Thursday, March 20, 2014

No Moral Compass Pointing North

The past week I have spent taking a break on the mountain top where the beautiful and brilliant Manda Marie resides. Here the air is crisp, the people are few, and the energy is so peaceful I feel lulled into perfect harmony such that I fall asleep with ease every night. Clear air to clear thoughts giving my far greater mental clarity. We have laughed, we have cried, we've fought with others and drank wine on the kitchen floor to keep a watchful eye on the cookies while they baked. 

I see and feel Kaijana far more closely once again, and with it I know my wants and desires greater than ever before. I know I want my next lover to be someone older, I mean well so. I want someone who is confident and sure of themselves, who knows what they want out of life, and will do what is necessary to get it. I'm tired of coddling others. It feels as if I'm always waiting for men my age to catch up and rise to my level.

 I know now where I want to go in the immediate future, and what I would be happy with. It's a little unnerving through, because I truly don't care about letting go and shedding my self of the world I am currently in entirely. If I could get up and go tomorrow, I would. I will put myself first, wholly and perhaps even selfishly, but I feel absolutely no guilt for that. I will do what I must, and I can't control how that affects others, so I resolve to stop worrying about it. 

Oh Lord, I'm sinkin in
The earth is rising and I've
Lost my feet again
I reach for my roots but they just
Slip, slip slip
From my
Grip, grip grip
And the mud and the grit
Is stealin my hard-won breath

Oh Lord, where do I begin?
Shall I confess the story of my sins?
How do I would step
On the heads of my
Family and friends
I don't believe in kindess
I'm sickened by righteousness
And I'd sell my soul for a devil's son
Whose smile shines only for me
I'll fight dirty for my place
But my niceties dig deep
And tear away my dreams
Oh they slip, slip slip
From my fingertips
And the quick sand
Swallows my screams

Oh Lord, what must I become
Must I grow claws
To dig myself out
Shift into another beast
To set myself free
I will shed my skin
And trade my charity
For something more fitting
Of claws and teeth
Sharpened for violence
And a smile made for war
Oh Lord, it would seem
The only way out is to be
The monster my mama
Always said I truly be
I have no moral compass, pointing north. But I have southern longings in me, and I will go wherever they may lead me. 


  1. I have been so happy to have you here with me all week darling. I'm glad that it has been so good for you as it's been wonderful for me <3
    And that poem/song is fantastic, jfc, writing, you do it so well.
    (We will go far my dear, we will go south and find lovers and drink wine and live life)

      I haven't written song lyrics in so long. They don't happen often. I once wrote one that was like a white-girl rap about giving negative a thousand fucks. I write weird things.
      Being with you has truly gotten me back on the right track <3

    2. Looking good Sis. Sounds like all you need now is a jar of dirt. Don't even think of taking mine. Cuz then it would be cur-saddd. Glad you got to visit the mountain and jealouse of your cookies. Keep it up.

    3. Thanks brosef, I hope to. Who says I don't already have a jar dirt, filled with the hearts of my enemies? Who says I'm not adding to it at this very moment? ;D


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