I've been happily single for about a year this month, and since that time I decided I needed a change. I didn't like the way my ex had made me think that I needed to move my life in a certain direction, and I hated that I wasn't doing a single thing for myself. My life up until that point, for the better part of three years, was about doing what was right for everyone else, which was a stupid fucking move, since none of the people I was sacrificing my personal happiness for were putting me first either.
Since about this time last year, I made the decision to stop giving a shit. I quit a grocery store job I had had for a grand total of three days, because they were unorganized asshats who didn't get back to me about job training until three months later, and by that point, I was offered a choice. I could do more articles for my writing job, or stay at 25 a week and work part-time for Price Chopper to pay the bills.
I gave my notice the next day. I didn't care what the manager thought, I didn't care what my parents thought, and if my ex was still with me at the time I'm sure I would have gotten a huge ass lecture about poor life choices and unnecessary risks.
That decision was one of the first I made to stop playing nice and biting my lip and do what I want to do what makes me time. I decided since that day that I wasn't putting up with anyone's shit anymore, especially since these people I was playing nice for were not even attempting to do the same for me. I became dominant and assertive, which is a huge step for me, as I was raised to believe that every I tried wasn't good enough, and that I should get my head out of the clouds and Be Realistic.
Since that day, despite the times to follow being the best of my life thus far, I've taken a lot of shit for it. And every time I see others talking about the issue, I tend to want to scream, or snarl, or a combination of the two. The truth of society today is thusly that if a woman becomes dominant over any and all aspects of her life, there is a delightful derogatory term to go with it. If you take charge of a situation and refuse to let others belittle you, you're a bitch. If you decide to have an active sex life that you take charge of in a direct manner, you're a slut."People will kill you, over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrase that people use everyday. Like, "Be realistic. Can't you just for half a second be realistic?" Now, what that really means is "See reality my way, or die!
I've been called bitchy, I've been called toxic (which I automatically respond with I'M RADIOOOOACTIVE at the top of my lungs) I've been called a slut, and I've even been told that I act as if I don't want people to love me. I've lost quite a few friends in the past year or so because I refuse to give up the assertive ground I have fought so hard for that actually gives me the courage and fortitude the live the crazy life I do of hammering metal and smacking keyboards for a living.
For the first time in my life I know who I am and what I'm capable of, and I am un-fucking-stoppable. And if being dominant and assertive makes me a bitch, than it is a title I will accept with pride.
"She was born out of ocean breath. I reminded her;‘Stop pouring so much of yourself into hearts that have no room for themselves Do not thin yourself Be vast You do not bring the ocean to a river’ "
— you are oceanic, Tapiwa Mugabe