Monday, October 29, 2012

You Choose Who You Love

"We can't choose our family."
This is something I've been told time and time again. By my grandparents, by friends and lovers. Its something that I constantly find myself coming back to, and honestly, I think its true, but it's also, in its own way, bullshit. 

There are hundreds of millions of people whose families have little to no impact on their lives. And in that way, when you no longer see or speak, or if you've never met, you've either chosen or been put in the position where this person is no longer part of your life.
 And isn't that what family should be?

My own family is a pretty messed up bunch. 
My father's an on-again-off-again alcoholic. 
My brother's a great guy who simply doesn't know what he wants out of life. The usual issues of the youth of  the world we live in. 
And my mother is simply a horrible, awful, wretched excuse for a human being.
I get that we're supposed to love our mothers. Really, I do. She brought my ass into the world, and for that I suppose I should be grateful. But I wouldn't be here without my father either, whom I take after far more than my mother. 

She's the type of person who will belittle your accomplishments, hate others without reason, or even knowing the person or thing she is so abhorrent against, cannot handle changes of any kind, and obstinately believes herself to be correct, even when she is so clearly fucking wrong. 
My mother is a horrible cunt. She treats my life like its meaningless. She thinks my job, which I love and have worked and toiled tirelessly to attain, is not "real" because I work online. She doesn't support me, or my father, or any of the goals and dreams we work tirelessly towards.
Honestly, I cannot sit here and think of one decent thing she does for mankind.
Which is pretty awful, but I've had almost 23 years to deal with that, so it's just a concept I've really grown to accept. Mother is a horrible fucking person, and worse, my father and brother work with it. Honestly, I cannot stand it for a single goddamn second. So when I tell my family over the next few weeks that I will not in fact be moving back in with them after my winter graduation, I will not be subtle. I will tell them quite plainly and simply that the reason I will not be moving back in is because I despise my mother and the negative energy and put-downs she bombards others with. It is not a healthy environment. It is not conducive to my growth as a human being, or anyone else's for that matter.

Its the same reason I deleted my damn Facebook. I'm sick of people telling me what I can and can't choose, or what I can and can't do. I hate how on that wretched site one's personal life becomes something everyone believes to be their business. Its not your business, its not anyone's business but those who are actually involved, so stop inquiring about their "Facebook status". Its none of your damn concern. 

The grand point I'm trying to get to here: you don't need to love someone who treats yourself and others awfully. You don't need to conform to anyone else's ideas or answer anyone's questions you don't feel comfortable answering. 

You alone can choose how to live your life.

You choose who you love. 

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