Monday, March 10, 2014

Looking Back and Moving Forward

First off, allow me to deeply apologize for letting this space go quiet for so long. Alas, I never do anything halfway, so when I lose control of my life, I tend to do so completely and thoroughly in every way possible. Eating junkfood, extraneous spending, not working out, and generally slacking off in literally every area of life save for writing fanfic, which I am here to tell you has currently swallowed me up for the past few weeks.

I'm not sure if daylight savings time has simply rebooted me to set me free, or if ranting Manda's ear off about it all day got it out of my system, or if my current state of zombie has simply dulled the portion of my brain that contains my creative madness. Either way, I woke up this morning feeling groggy and awful and slightly anxious, so more like myself than I have since the plot bunny consumed my mind. 

Here's what been going down in the interim.

Writing. Fanfiction, and lots of it. I haven't touched Sigil in weeks. I tell myself to, and then I don't, and its awful and the anxiety builds and reminds me Hey Asshole Its Nearly Mid March And You Aren't Even At 50K What The Fuck Have You Been Doing? I need to be chained to this novel and not allowed near AO3 until I write 1k a day. Which is really a pitiful amount to shoot for. My cat could write more. 

Reading. This is how you know its been bad. The latest novel in my favorite series came out, and I managed to snag a copy for my Kindle until I can afford a nice touchable version. This mobi file currently sits two pages deep behind a sea of fanfic that is so thoroughly twisted that I seriously cannot even tell you about it. Go on my tumblr if you wish, otherwise, just know I read and ship very bad awful things. If I felt guilt over anything I might feel it for this, but thank the Gods I got rid of that emotion years ago.

Listening. Ghouls by the Scientists gets stuck in my head in equal amounts with Everybody Loves Me by OneRepublic, and Strictly Rude by Big D And The Kids Table, and Arabella by the Arctic Monkeys, and Bring the Noize by MIA. I have been listening to everything under the sun. A lot of time spent on 8tracks listening to mixes based around my favorite Teen Wolf characters or just badass mixes. Currently, I am listening to the same Hole cd I first heard when I was think 8.

Nommages. Lots of no good very bad things. Pizza. Potatoes. Chips and guacamole. Manda was great about being  my food fairy while she was here the past week or so though, so I don't feel too bad about a bit of junkfood habits when our main meals consist largely of delicious vegetables. Vegetarian cooking is the laziest thing in existence, and if I had the money to afford their protein substitutes in order to keep on track with my muscle-building plan, I probably would just to eat dinner in 10 minutes or less. 

Actions. Manda took me running and for the first time my knees didn't feel like they wanted to die and my lungs did not actively try to strangle me. I need to get in the habit of going more often. Its all about pacing, which I suck at, but I can't get better at until I try. Otherwise, my workout schedule has become so many shades of fuck, I haven't even started on the Old Ones line, and I don't think I've seen my jaguar in days. *headdesk* 

Inner-words. I want desperately to move forward with every once of my being. Every morning and every night I long only for the succinct and firm knowledge that I have done everything in my power to advance myself in every walk of life. The fear that I'm not doing enough and that I'm screwing up is one that rides my mind painfully and completely, but I'm determined to shake it off by lifting weights, swinging hammers, making words, and doing my damn job well. This morning I thought all the way back to my screwed-up childhood via listening to Hole to realize just how far I've come already, if only to quiet my anxiety at least a little bit. I want it all, and so I need to give it all right back. This simply becomes very difficult to do when my attention span flits all over the place like a feather on the ocean shore in storm winds. 

Expect words on Wednesday, a new blog layout, new and beautiful shop photos, and maybe a new tarot spread post. 

Also me trying 1000x harder at this thing called Moving Forward.

It sort of feels like pushing one of those linebacker hit thingies filled with cinder blocks, forcing me to dig in and heave and throw all of my effort into gaining every single inch. 

But I know the end result will be deeply satisfying. 


  1. Hey I like your face <3
    And I am right with you on the being consumed by fanfic thing. I really need to work on my own shit. Hopefully Camp Nano will help a lot with that.
    I'm sorry you're feeling anxious, anxiety sucks. I would know .___. /hugs
    I have been thinking about moving forward a lot too. You're doing better than I am. I need to find some work and study for my permit and /do/ stuff. I wish I lived out by you, more places to work and I don't think isolation is working well for me considering how much I need to get out into the world to fix my life.

    1. I wish you lived out here too. Its silly, I feel so bogged down at times living here, and its ridiculous cause hell, at least I'm not in Barre. I just wanna get out there. I wanna be building towards the future RIGHT NOW and it seems to be an endless struggle to do so. I know I just need to be strong and keep working though, but days like today my optimism just goes "nah, bro."
      That really is our life motto!

    2. And it's such a ridiculous life motto xD Kind of love it.
      You'll get out of here soon enough. We both will. We'll move and go someplace better and have wonderful adventures and be crazy cat lady writers together. <3 <3 <3


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