Monday, December 23, 2013

Reflections of Jaguars and Sea Serpents

I woke up this morning with a terrible head cold from a terrifying and exciting dream of magick and monsters lurking in the shallow depths of a flooded parking lot. I was chased, I was powerful, but I was free. It was as horrifying and dangerous as it was thrilling and amazing. Its downpouring outside and I wonder about bodies of water and portals to hidden worlds and take notes on mythology and things to look into for a possible story idea or ten.

I also look into the reflection and see my beautiful animal guide gazing back at me.

I'm sitting on my couch with my new laptop in hand, movers for the apartment across the hall going up and down the stairs making Tuscany jumpy, rain pitter-pattering on the skylight overhead and grey skies choking out what little sunlight we get this time of year, and its not sad or lonesome, but actually instills a great sense of awe.

This same time last year I was nervous and timid and so very, very afraid. It may not show much in my blogging updates, as I tend to speak only on subjects I feel strongly about (usually strongly upset about, but its that sense of anger that pushes me to speak my mind so often), but for a very long time I was simply petrified that I wouldn't be good enough, that in every relationship I had to try so very hard to cover up and hide so that the person I was with would never see me for the wretched human being I truly was.

I don't feel that way anymore.

This past year has not been easy. Leaving my last relationship was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, to truly grow the hell up and put bills and rent and all of my life's needs in my hands only, is not something I felt confident in doing. But here I am, 9 months later and I'm still going. And though things are tough financially, spiritually and emotionally I'm not just getting by, I'm thriving.

I know I am not where I want to be. Sigil stands as of late last night somewhere around 36.8k, and its probably going to take somewhere from 90-100k to complete properly. Its a hefty urban fantasy with a great deal of world building as well as cultural history to convey properly the history and lives of my demons. The shop could be better, and I could be fitter, I am simply prone to distraction and like to believe I am a better multitasker than I truly am. (Read as- I cannot actually write or create as quickly with Netflix in the background as I can with simply music)

Despite how little I have accomplished physically, I've accomplished a great deal emotionally. I am happy, for the first time in a long time. I don't feel angry more often than excited, or lonesome more often than warm. Of course I have my stresses and there are still days where I question the base natures of my sanity or general lack there-of, but they do not outnumber the smiles and the laughter. For the longest time when someone would ask me what my goal was, I would tell them it is just to be happy. Now I can say I simply want to gain knowledge and skill to be successful in the passions I live for to create a life of my own that satisfies me to the marrow of my bones. 

For that to happen, I need to get crackin on the shop, bang out Sigil (maybe I'll shoot for a first draft by Mabon?), and perhaps find even more gainful employment. It certainly does not hurt to look. 

I tend to fall quiet in the colder months, so this little space of mine may be void of my presence from time to time, but rest assured the silence is here is merely myself working elsewhere.  I'll try to keep posted as I move along, but the great shift is upon me now, and though I have truly have no idea what it brings, I am elated to see where it takes me.  

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