Monday, May 20, 2013

The Truth Or Something Like It

Lately, there have been a lot of hard truths I've been forced to come to grips with. They were not unexpected, and many of them weren't honestly that surprising, after the initial shock wore off. They are the things I've been shying away from in blogging, but then, I believe this thing should be personal, and when I began my first blog, for a tech writing course in college, I took an oath upon myself to never shy away from the grit.

So here I am reminding myself once again to stop avoiding it, and tell it to you. It doesn't matter if no one reads this, and it doesn't matter if no one believes it. This is me doing the one thing I can do and always do best - brutal honesty. 

First off, let me say that I've come to the conclusion that my life could be the plot line of a soap opera, to the point where, if I had a family member in a coma, I would be making bets with my brother on how long it would take them to wake up. Second, my family life is the stuff of ridiculous YA novels. I'm sure I've read something similar on the back of one during my enjoyable employment with my college library. It all sounds eerily familiar.

I come from a family that is nothing at all resembling one. My parents and my brother and I do not function as one. I have tried to deny it, I have tried to tell myself that every family is odd and ours is no exception. And then I meet those of my friends, and I came to realize, just as my slim number of loved ones has, that we were, quite simply, four people sharing a house. It should not have surprised me when, pushed to her absolute limit, my mother finally admitted that she tried to give me away to my grandparents multiple times during my life. It should not surprise me to know my father has been an off and mostly on again alcoholic much of my life.

And the only way I've found so far to come to grips with all of it is to simply focus on the knowledge I've been given.

I can't trust my mother to make proper adult decisions. I can't trust her to ever know whats best for me, as clearly her interest in doing so is slim to nothing. To know whats best for your child, I'm fairly certain that loving them is a necessary factor.

I can't trust my father to be sober, not now, and maybe not ever.

I would not be here today if I had been an only child.

I do not have a single trusting relationship with anyone in my life, save for my brother.

And I'm beginning to wonder if it is something I will ever learn to do again. I can't trust people to make the right decisions, be honest with me, or keep their promises. There is always something I am able to point out in another human being and say "nope, I can't trust you not to do that thing". I have yet to think of one for my brother, but I can't say I never will.

I've stopped trying to trust people not to hurt me, and begun sleeping with a knife so large I can't actually legally carry it out of my house. I'm working to build muscle strength and take challenging martial arts classes so I can stop people from doing so.

More honesty-  I'm not actually depressed about any of this. These are the truths of the life I currently live. A little more truth to end this post on? I am now making a living as a technical writer. This and a five inch switchblade are how I go to sleep every night, and if that makes me a whack-job, so be it, at least I'm a successful one.

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