2013- A Year Of Words

Its 2am. I wrapped up my latest deadline sometime around 6pm. I emptied my bank account at the ATM for rent, with just enough left over to buy my favorite stuffed mushroom caps, firewood, and two bottles of wine for tomorrow. I came home, I ate, I hammered things, I made a fire and wrote for awhile.

Then a video by one of my favorite Youtubers Olan Rogers made me cry.

 Actual tears in large numbers streaming down my face, which actually hurts when its 8 degrees outside and the air inside makes my skin dry up and everything hurts, but it gave me some thought, and it was quite a bit that I haven't actually considered. It may seem odd because New Years Eve is tomorrow and I know everyone gets drunk and makes New Years resolutions which most will never actually carry out, but the day has honestly never meant very  much to me. My life moves with the pagan Sabbats, so my new years is Halloween, which makes sense because it is one of the last harvests, and every day after gets colder and then we all huddle up and wait for the snows to thaw and the earth to wake up again.

So I didn't actually realize until Olan was making cry talking about how the life he chooses isn't easy or one that gets you a ton of money, that the New Year is dawning in the next 24 hours, or what that means to most, or even what it means to me. And then Olan talks in detail about being completely broke between jobs, but he loves it, he loves it so much that the rest doesn't matter. And thats me with writing.

I know I'll get published one day. We will get to that point. It may take time, because I do need to pay the rent with my other writing gigs and I have others hobbies and am actually looking to put more time into those and add more because clearly I am a crazy person, but its not just about publishing for me. I love writing because I love the physical and mental of act of invention. I love being in the rush of that perfect moment when I figured out why Eve is immune to Gromory's pheromones, or why Lilly can see ghosts, or how Serenity's innocence actually nearly destroys her. I love watching the characters come to life and living with them in my heads and going about my day and thinking about how this reminds me of them or something they would do. When I have a shitty day, I often think about how Finn or Azazel or Vincent would handle it, and laugh.

In the beginning, there was only the copper scraps. And we said Yeah, Blessed are the copper scraps for letting me smack tons of tiny stamps into them. 

And no, its not easy, and yeah, I don't make a ton of money. I barely get by on a whim and a spell, and I'm considering, as I'm pushing to get better at engraving so I can launch the Malachim Mysteries line at Eerie Enchantments in time for the Spring Awakening, even applying for a possibly better job just to make things slightly less stressful.

But despite my home being chillier than I like because the noise I made upon seeing the latest heat bill was not that of a human being, I'm happy. I know it doesn't make sense to most people, which is strange to me because this is the only thing that ever has to myself, but I am mentally and spiritually and emotionally at a place of gratitude and happiness and passion that I have not felt in years. Because I managed to live for the first time on the written word and my own sheer insanity alone, and that's a pretty damn beautiful.

Though my shift has been underway for some time now already, I hope that everyone has a safe and happy New Year's Eve tomorrow (yes it is still December 30th screw your clock laptop), and wish you all the best of luck. Though honestly, I will tell you a secret from someone who has had probably what someone would describe as a long string of crappy luck in most areas of life, luck is not necessary. Only you are. Change happens only when you do it. Don't ask yourself what you want to see different in 2014, just ask yourself how badly do you want it, and you'll know then where you'll be in another 365 days.

I'll be hammering metal and keys, dying my hair, and living in and for the words as I always have, and always will.

Reflections of Jaguars and Sea Serpents

I woke up this morning with a terrible head cold from a terrifying and exciting dream of magick and monsters lurking in the shallow depths of a flooded parking lot. I was chased, I was powerful, but I was free. It was as horrifying and dangerous as it was thrilling and amazing. Its downpouring outside and I wonder about bodies of water and portals to hidden worlds and take notes on mythology and things to look into for a possible story idea or ten.

I also look into the reflection and see my beautiful animal guide gazing back at me.

I'm sitting on my couch with my new laptop in hand, movers for the apartment across the hall going up and down the stairs making Tuscany jumpy, rain pitter-pattering on the skylight overhead and grey skies choking out what little sunlight we get this time of year, and its not sad or lonesome, but actually instills a great sense of awe.

This same time last year I was nervous and timid and so very, very afraid. It may not show much in my blogging updates, as I tend to speak only on subjects I feel strongly about (usually strongly upset about, but its that sense of anger that pushes me to speak my mind so often), but for a very long time I was simply petrified that I wouldn't be good enough, that in every relationship I had to try so very hard to cover up and hide so that the person I was with would never see me for the wretched human being I truly was.

I don't feel that way anymore.

This past year has not been easy. Leaving my last relationship was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, to truly grow the hell up and put bills and rent and all of my life's needs in my hands only, is not something I felt confident in doing. But here I am, 9 months later and I'm still going. And though things are tough financially, spiritually and emotionally I'm not just getting by, I'm thriving.

I know I am not where I want to be. Sigil stands as of late last night somewhere around 36.8k, and its probably going to take somewhere from 90-100k to complete properly. Its a hefty urban fantasy with a great deal of world building as well as cultural history to convey properly the history and lives of my demons. The shop could be better, and I could be fitter, I am simply prone to distraction and like to believe I am a better multitasker than I truly am. (Read as- I cannot actually write or create as quickly with Netflix in the background as I can with simply music)

Despite how little I have accomplished physically, I've accomplished a great deal emotionally. I am happy, for the first time in a long time. I don't feel angry more often than excited, or lonesome more often than warm. Of course I have my stresses and there are still days where I question the base natures of my sanity or general lack there-of, but they do not outnumber the smiles and the laughter. For the longest time when someone would ask me what my goal was, I would tell them it is just to be happy. Now I can say I simply want to gain knowledge and skill to be successful in the passions I live for to create a life of my own that satisfies me to the marrow of my bones. 

For that to happen, I need to get crackin on the shop, bang out Sigil (maybe I'll shoot for a first draft by Mabon?), and perhaps find even more gainful employment. It certainly does not hurt to look. 

I tend to fall quiet in the colder months, so this little space of mine may be void of my presence from time to time, but rest assured the silence is here is merely myself working elsewhere.  I'll try to keep posted as I move along, but the great shift is upon me now, and though I have truly have no idea what it brings, I am elated to see where it takes me.