Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013- A Year Of Words

Its 2am. I wrapped up my latest deadline sometime around 6pm. I emptied my bank account at the ATM for rent, with just enough left over to buy my favorite stuffed mushroom caps, firewood, and two bottles of wine for tomorrow. I came home, I ate, I hammered things, I made a fire and wrote for awhile.

Then a video by one of my favorite Youtubers Olan Rogers made me cry.

 Actual tears in large numbers streaming down my face, which actually hurts when its 8 degrees outside and the air inside makes my skin dry up and everything hurts, but it gave me some thought, and it was quite a bit that I haven't actually considered. It may seem odd because New Years Eve is tomorrow and I know everyone gets drunk and makes New Years resolutions which most will never actually carry out, but the day has honestly never meant very  much to me. My life moves with the pagan Sabbats, so my new years is Halloween, which makes sense because it is one of the last harvests, and every day after gets colder and then we all huddle up and wait for the snows to thaw and the earth to wake up again.

So I didn't actually realize until Olan was making cry talking about how the life he chooses isn't easy or one that gets you a ton of money, that the New Year is dawning in the next 24 hours, or what that means to most, or even what it means to me. And then Olan talks in detail about being completely broke between jobs, but he loves it, he loves it so much that the rest doesn't matter. And thats me with writing.

I know I'll get published one day. We will get to that point. It may take time, because I do need to pay the rent with my other writing gigs and I have others hobbies and am actually looking to put more time into those and add more because clearly I am a crazy person, but its not just about publishing for me. I love writing because I love the physical and mental of act of invention. I love being in the rush of that perfect moment when I figured out why Eve is immune to Gromory's pheromones, or why Lilly can see ghosts, or how Serenity's innocence actually nearly destroys her. I love watching the characters come to life and living with them in my heads and going about my day and thinking about how this reminds me of them or something they would do. When I have a shitty day, I often think about how Finn or Azazel or Vincent would handle it, and laugh.

In the beginning, there was only the copper scraps. And we said Yeah, Blessed are the copper scraps for letting me smack tons of tiny stamps into them. 

And no, its not easy, and yeah, I don't make a ton of money. I barely get by on a whim and a spell, and I'm considering, as I'm pushing to get better at engraving so I can launch the Malachim Mysteries line at Eerie Enchantments in time for the Spring Awakening, even applying for a possibly better job just to make things slightly less stressful.

But despite my home being chillier than I like because the noise I made upon seeing the latest heat bill was not that of a human being, I'm happy. I know it doesn't make sense to most people, which is strange to me because this is the only thing that ever has to myself, but I am mentally and spiritually and emotionally at a place of gratitude and happiness and passion that I have not felt in years. Because I managed to live for the first time on the written word and my own sheer insanity alone, and that's a pretty damn beautiful.

Though my shift has been underway for some time now already, I hope that everyone has a safe and happy New Year's Eve tomorrow (yes it is still December 30th screw your clock laptop), and wish you all the best of luck. Though honestly, I will tell you a secret from someone who has had probably what someone would describe as a long string of crappy luck in most areas of life, luck is not necessary. Only you are. Change happens only when you do it. Don't ask yourself what you want to see different in 2014, just ask yourself how badly do you want it, and you'll know then where you'll be in another 365 days.

I'll be hammering metal and keys, dying my hair, and living in and for the words as I always have, and always will.

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