Monday, April 8, 2013

Something That Rings True

I've been wrestling with the idea of writing this post for sometime. On one hand, I don't want to spread the negative, and on the other, my blog is personal and should never shy from the gritty, which is a large part of my life. I've never been one to shy away from the grit and the harsh realities. I don't do consoling, I'd rather someone just hear me out when things turn sour. Sometimes I don't want to hear "its going to be okay" because in those moments it rings like a lie. Not everything turns out puppies and rainbows, and sometimes there is no nice way out. 

That's what I had to realize when I called it quits with my boyfriend of over three years. That sometimes you can't fix it, and maybe its best if you just stop trying and let it go. Because I'm tired of white lies and fluffy metaphors. And lately when someone tries to console me it makes me want to scream. I've never been the type to play nice just to save face. I am honest, and blunt, and I pride myself on not dishing out more bullshit. I won't sit here and tell you my life is some kind of fabulous, its not. It could be worse, I know that, and I know there are people out there who care and want the best for me (I'm lookin at you tumblr darlings), but sometimes the weight of it all just hits me flat in the chest, this big hollowing ache. And it's not going to get better, not fast, and not on its own. Its the ache that I will grow in time to work around and live with.

I plan to get a white daylily on my left calf in watercolor style
But I've got a few ideas to get me started. I'm going to put my new found funds to use to get me going. I am itching to start taking a martial arts class here in town (maybe kempo? If any of you have a few tidbits about a style you like or practice GIVE THEM TO ME please and thank you), start running, more tattoos will happen soon once I start the new job, and I am going to print some things and re-decorate my walls. Because I know deep down that the only way I am going to get through this and not feel fucking awful about it is on my own. If I lean on one person or another too much I will feel fucking awful about it, its just who I am. I've been leaning on one person for three years, and its time I stopped.

I love this simple beauty. Yes, I am a huge Teen Wolf junkie too.

I'm working now to just get back to me. I'm realizing what I need in people, and lovers, and just life at large. I need the honest to Goddess truth. I need all of you. I need you to show me your darkness and your demons. I need to see them and know I'm not alone. Because no one is going to be happy all the time, and I'm sick of covering up that fact. Its exhausting. Days like today where I'm just so short-tempered that I wonder if its possible to put a punching bag in my apartment just to get it all out. I need someone who is comfortable in showing me all of it. I want the comfort in knowing I am not alone. That I can open myself and show these gritty and awful parts of me and not have my lover cringe or shy away. No white lies about a love that lasts forever. I want your souls confession, no matter how dark or terrifying it is, I just want it to be real.

I don’t need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

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