Don't Look Back

One of the many things I realized during my time by the sea was how, in holding onto things, we never go anywhere. For a little while I allowed the idea to nest in my head that maybe one day down the road my ex would get it together, maybe he'd realize what we meant, what I meant, and how much I am worth as a person and the half of a relationship.

And then I realized, it doesn't matter. Because in letting that idea settle in, I block out the possibilities of other futures. I realized I needed to stop allowing people to stay in my life in which I give everything, and get nothing in return.

So when I came home from vacation I did two things immediately. I threw my bags into my brothers car, and told my father the same thing I had already told my mother on the ride home. That I'm done trying to clean up your messes, only to get more hell thrown back at me. I haven't spoken to either of them since, and if I get a call, my brother is kind of enough to screen them away from me.

I guess what I'm trying to say, it doesn't matter who they are, or what relationship they hold with you. It doesnt matter if its your parents, a long time friend, or a long time lover, if they aren't benefiting you in any way, you don't have to stick around.

You don't owe anyone anything.

Except your college loan holder, you probably owe them some money *curses Sallie Mae and their entirely nye-criminal existence*

If you pick at a scab, it never heals. And if you run in circles, you only tire yourself out, and never get anywhere.

So chart your own course, a new course, and make your own way of it.

I have promised myself to write fearlessly, and never look back.

Not for anyone, or anything.

Why I Write Like a Lefty – Assorted Tales of Familial Bonding

For the life of me I cannot honestly remember who pointed it out to me, but I remember it happened during a writing course in college. Sometime junior, maybe senior semester, ish. It may or may not have been Creative Non-Fiction. I just remember writing the thing for the class like everyone else, and someone pointing out I hold my pen “wrong.” I have heard this throughout my life for as long as I can remember. I explain that it’s just how I’ve always held it. And then they said “Its weird. You write like a lefty.”

And then it hit me. And I remember the class being very quiet and me exclaiming “SON OF A BITCH!” and being beset by many glares and a smiling professor who said simply “Write it down!” That was probably Call Me Steve of Creative Non-Fic. More importantly, it was the moment I finally figured out why I write the way I do – my brother is a lefty. He taught me how to write without my even realizing it.

Son of a bitch.

 Now I think about these things as my brother is due to set out on his biggest adventure yet, moving across the country to Arizona. As I write this he is probably just cruising through the west end of Massachusetts, his journey begins today. But it’s not the childhood things he taught me, or that trick with peanut butter after alcohol (for which I was ever grateful for all throughout college), it’s the little things he does without even realizing.

My brother taught me to believe in myself by making me promise to get him an Aston Martin when I get published. (Don’t worry bro, I’m working on Sigil the second I’m done here. You still wanted a Vanquish, right?). It was this crazy bastard who stood up for me at every turn, went to the ends of the fucking earth to make me smile. He begged, borrowed, and stole just to make my day.

He has a funny way of doing that, but he has that effect on people. You will meet him, and suddenly you’re dreaming bigger, seeing brighter. Rob’s a special kind of guy like that. He’ll teach you that you can rock anything with the right confidence, fake it until you make it, and above all else, that you are fucking worth it. That’s why he’s driving right now, probably blasting either dubstep or Black Keys (Dubstep Black Keys?), because life is too damn short to settle for anything less than the very fucking best you can be. And at the end of the day, the only one holding you back is yourself.

Never hold back, never give up, never give in.